Thursday, 12 November 2009

Do What You Can, When You Can

Still adjusting to work, mentally exhausted this week. Don't know about anyone else but when I get tired I find it incredibly difficult to keep anything in perspective and to control my mood. By the end of my working week I'd convinced myself that I was useless and that I was not pulling my weight at work or contributing anything. I think part of my problem is that mentally I am so eager and have so much stuff I want to do, that I know I am capable of, but when my body won't keep up with me I feel like a failure. Looking back on it this evening I realise this simply isn't true but it got to the point where I sent an email to my manager apologising for my tiredness and the fact that I had altered my hours a bit this week to help adjust. I had been told many times that so long as I did my 16 hours a week I could pretty much arrange them to suit my needs but doing this filled me with a sense of failure and guilt! silly I realise. Anyway I had a lovely email in reply basically telling me not to be ridiculous and that they understand, and that I am a highly valued member of staff, whether I believe it or not.

I am now a little embarrassed by this and it even made me cry! It's so hard to stay in control of my own mind when I'm worn out! I need to cut myself some slack I think, it's only my 3rd week of working after 2 years so the fact that it's taking me some time to adjust is understandable. I think I still have a hard time accepting the fact that M.E does stop me doing things that I want to do. If I could I would work every day but I just can't, so need to chill out a bit and let myself settle into it. I spent many years struggling to accept the fact that I have to live a little differently because of my M.E and used to hide it as much as I could, only close friends and family knew how it effected me. I had experienced so much negativity about the illness that now, when people are understanding I don't quite believe it. Maybe after a while I may be able to do more but the only person putting pressure on me at this point is myself!

1 comment:

  1. I can really associate with all the emotions you are going through at the moment. It frustrates the hell out of me when I can't achieve what my mind wants to do. I am a bit of a perfectionist and this is part of the problem when setting out to achieve things with this illness, right??

    I too loose all perspective when I'm worn out, with CRAZY moods!! You are not alone there...

    Have a good weekend & go easy on yourself girl.

    : )