Saturday, 15 May 2010

A Lovely Tonsilitis Pharyngitis Cocktail

Long time no rant. What can I say, when someone who has ME is well enough to work, that's pretty much all they have time to do. I only work 16 hours per week but trust me, it pretty much takes up everything I have. Absolutely knackered on a daily basis right now. I do love my job and my colleagues though so don't think I am complaining. The negative effect is that because I'm so exhausted I have been very prone to illness and infection lately.

This week this finally got the better of me and has kicked the crap out of me. By the time I went to the doctors I was pretty rough and losing the plot a bit. The diagnosis - Tonsillitis and Pharyngitis all at once. Lovely. To many people tonsillitis is no big deal but to me, and I suspect many other ME-ers it absolutely destroys me. I've been in bed for about 4 days now and on the penicillin for 3 of them and still not feeling any better, it better start to kick in soon. My neck feels like a bag o'marbles and is not enjoying having to hold my head up. I guess these regular bouts of knock-you-out illnesses are just something I will have to live with, and have lived with for a long time but they still have the capacity to make me utterly miserable and despairing. I bashed my bonce in the shower the other morning due to illness induced lack of spacial awareness and was so out of it i stood in the shower and cried. I then laughed about the fact I was stood in the shower crying because I'd bashed my head in a kind of 'look at the state of you' way.

I always come through these glitches and plod on in the end but it is tough to keep motivated when you pretty much know you're only gonna have so many healthy days each month. One thing ME has been responsible for is denying me social contact. I have to live with my parents as I have no money to move out and pay rent elsewhere and am only able to work part time so have no potential for more income for the foreseeable future. This would be OK but as my parents live miles from anywhere and hundreds of miles from all my friends and other family I feel I am wasting away alone up in the sticks whilst all my friends live their lives without me. I have now reached the point where I get jealous if they go to the pub, in a pathetic 'I wanna go out and have fun' sort of way. I really do have the feeling I am missing out on life and will be forever alone and lonely, all because of ME and not being able to be independent.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Bras are an important part of getting dressed.

I am still having an incredibly fatigued, dopey, exhausted phase at the moment. Getting up for work today I felt awful and slightly unaware of what I was doing. Got up, had cereal and coffee, got dressed and left for work. Aside from being vacant when arriving for work I was sitting at my desk with the nagging feeling that something felt wrong. I then realised in my daze this morning I had forgotten to put on a bra. I am not a small chested person so this was quite a big thing to miss. I was counting my blessings that I had chosen to wear a big thick jumper and that I remembered to change out of my pajama top at least. Hope tomorrow I am less stupid.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Lack of energy

Quick post to say apologies for the lack of posts. Had a manky nasty cold between Christmas and new years and it appears to have sapped my strength and energy for the last month. Struggling to keep up with life at the moment so blog posts have fallen behind a bit. I will be back though. Keep on trucking and all that. Haven't lost my job yet so that's a bonus! So lucky to have found an understanding workplace. Still no luck on the meeting new friends front though. It can be a lonely life in rural Yorkshire I tell you!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Cream Crackered

Absolutely shattered but feeling fairly triumphant. All my work projects went well and winding down for Christmas now as work closes for 2 weeks at Christmas. The house is relatively prepared already too! First time in many years that we've been so organised. Hoping to avoid the usual pre-xmas stress this year. Feeling tired but on the whole I have definitely been getting stronger this year. Seem to be over the worst of the university induced relapse. Fingers crossed things will keep on an even keel for a while.

Looking forward to the up-coming festivities. Some amusing things about working where I do is the crazy things that can happen. Volunteers bring their pet dogs in with them sometimes. I opened the back office door and out jumped a young spaniel leaping round the main office rushing past everyone who tried to catch him. Said dog ran up the stairs around all the rooms up there and back down again until I managed to hook its lead on in a rather deft manoeuvre (if I say so myself) and find his owner (who had gone to make a drink). There was also an atmosphere of carry-on this week too. Whilst preparing for an event which required providing jugs of water there was much laughter over the fact a colleague announced that she had the 'big jugs'. On the same day another colleague stated that his 'little knob fell off' (the drawers). Stupid and immature to laugh at such things but it does make the working day easier to have a giggle.

A friend came to stay last weekend which was really nice and I dragged her along to the museum's Christmas weekend event, which she thoroughly enjoyed and even wants to come back for the next event. Nice to show people my work, I've become quite proud of it so I like it when other people like the place too. It is a crazily chaotic place to work but I love it all the same. I still worry about things ALL the time but am getting better at coping with pressure again now and to control my rampant self-doubt and perfectionism.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Things on the Internet to Cheer Yourself Up.

I am sure I am not the only person with M.E who is thanking the stars for the internet. A constant source of entertainment for people who for one reason or another are stuck at home with little to do, or little ability to 'do'. Here are some of my faves:

Posted by Stephen Fry on Twitter: I simply love this website!

Mildly ammusing:

One of my all time favourite moments from the glory days of Phil and Fern. I rarely watch This Morning, if ever, but always watched the funny bits on youtube:

Obviously youtube can be an endless source of merriment and musical delights.

A good comedy site is: you can also watch new versions of Walliams and Lucas's "rock profiles"

A bit random but available on youtube is Adam and Joe's "Bobby Calypso" an unusual tribute to DeNiro:

My latest guilty pleasure on tv (apart from come dine with me) is total wipeout. If you've not seen it look it up. Energetic people flinging themselves about is surprisingly watchable in a "can't not look" way. Here is a big red balls compilation off youtube:


Thursday, 3 December 2009

I will survive!

PHEW My working week is over. I survived! Has been really busy. Organising an evening event for the museum, going into a local primary school for outreach work and attending training days in Leeds. I was absolutely shattered Wednesday night after the training and slept for about 14 hours. Today I went into work late (which they don't mind me doing thank goodness) so had a good rest. The hard work paid off today as I discovered myself and the project I am working on got a mention in an article in the local paper. Great for my evaluations etc. My "event" is on Monday evening so until then I am certain to be fretting about it but I've done everything I can to make it a success so have to keep telling myself that. Going to make sure I get plenty of rest and relaxation over the weekend. I cannot hold a decent conversation let alone host an event when tired so I need to be well rested.

I find having been out of work so long has made me worry about everything! I had no confidence about being able to do a good job. It is slowly coming back though and realistically I know I am doing great work I'm just still a little insecure and unsure of myself. If I'm tired all my positivity sinks and my rationality flies out the window too. Muscles and Brain seem to grind to a halt but the positive side is that so far I am just about coping with being back in work. Most importantly I am enjoying it too, despite the stress.

Monday, 30 November 2009

Running on Empty

I am really enjoying my job at the moment, I get to work with such a huge range of lovely, interesting people but really feeling like I'm running on empty. Mentally work has done me the world of good and I feel much more enthusiastic about life and am so glad to be back in employment. However as anyone with m.e knows, you can't always make your body do the things your mind wants it to. I have loads of training and upcoming projects at the moment but am getting really stressed out by the exhaustion it's causing. I look in my diary with apprehension at the moment as I know I'm pushing myself to my current limits. This week is particularly busy so fingers crossed I'll manage to cope with it all.