Bras are an important part of getting dressed.

I am still having an incredibly fatigued, dopey, exhausted phase at the moment. Getting up for work today I felt awful and slightly unaware of what I was doing. Got up, had cereal and coffee, got dressed and left for work. Aside from being vacant when arriving for work I was sitting at my desk with the nagging feeling that something felt wrong. I then realised in my daze this morning I had forgotten to put on a bra. I am not a small chested person so this was quite a big thing to miss. I was counting my blessings that I had chosen to wear a big thick jumper and that I remembered to change out of my pajama top at least. Hope tomorrow I am less stupid.

Cream Crackered

Absolutely shattered but feeling fairly triumphant. All my work projects went well and winding down for Christmas now as work closes for 2 weeks at Christmas. The house is relatively prepared already too! First time in many years that we've been so organised. Hoping to avoid the usual pre-xmas stress this year. Feeling tired but on the whole I have definitely been getting stronger this year. Seem to be over the worst of the university induced relapse. Fingers crossed things will keep on an even keel for a while.

Looking forward to the up-coming festivities. Some amusing things about working where I do is the crazy things that can happen. Volunteers bring their pet dogs in with them sometimes. I opened the back office door and out jumped a young spaniel leaping round the main office rushing past everyone who tried to catch him. Said dog ran up the stairs around all the rooms up there and back down again until I managed to hook its lead on in a rather deft manoeuvre (if I say so myself) and find his owner (who had gone to make a drink). There was also an atmosphere of carry-on this week too. Whilst preparing for an event which required providing jugs of water there was much laughter over the fact a colleague announced that she had the 'big jugs'. On the same day another colleague stated that his 'little knob fell off' (the drawers). Stupid and immature to laugh at such things but it does make the working day easier to have a giggle.

A friend came to stay last weekend which was really nice and I dragged her along to the museum's Christmas weekend event, which she thoroughly enjoyed and even wants to come back for the next event. Nice to show people my work, I've become quite proud of it so I like it when other people like the place too. It is a crazily chaotic place to work but I love it all the same. I still worry about things ALL the time but am getting better at coping with pressure again now and to control my rampant self-doubt and perfectionism.

Been Busy! (and tired)

It's been a while so just going to do a quick update. Still working and enjoying my job even though I still find it hard to keep going. Learning to balance things a bit more at the moment. Still not managed to clean out my car. Still trying to sort out the mass of junk that has accumulated in my bedroom. Finally posted my DLA application form and waiting for a response one way or the other. Been training some museum volunteers on how to use blogger so they can contribute to the museums' blog. Had a very good letter from 'working links' apologising for my treatment. It was quite a grovelling apology but written very well and addressed all the points raised in my letter so I was pleased with their response. I am now putting it all behind me. (see complaint letter post - 18th October 09)

Still finding working difficult but am lucky to have a job I love in a wonderful place. I went to London to visit friends last weekend and have struggled all week to recover! Juggled my working hours around a bit this week as was incredibly tired and run down. My body does not cope very well with nights out but I only see my university friends all together once or twice a year so was determined to go. Spent most of the weekend travelling though. Still not really met anyone my own age up north so do miss having friends around. Have been asked to be a bridesmaid in August which is very nice but does leave me with a slight feeling of "always the bridesmaid never the bride". Not really sure how I will meet anyone. I live in a remote rural area and when I'm not working I'm mostly resting so don't really know how to meet people. Most young people seem to leave the area in their twenties so still feel a bit isolated.

On the whole things are going very well, just about coping with life at the moment, am already looking forward to a break over Christmas though! Also looking forward to having family up to stay for Christmas. Get on well with my siblings and grandparents so very much looking forward to it this year. Had the dreaded swine flu jab this week and surprisingly enough it didn't affect me too badly. It did ache a lot for a few days but no more than any other jab and cleared up quite quickly. My normal flu jab was worse. I still have bad days when I get over stressed and exhausted but on the whole things are going well. It's been quite a dramatic year with lots of ups and downs. I hope next year is a little calmer.

Do What You Can, When You Can

Still adjusting to work, mentally exhausted this week. Don't know about anyone else but when I get tired I find it incredibly difficult to keep anything in perspective and to control my mood. By the end of my working week I'd convinced myself that I was useless and that I was not pulling my weight at work or contributing anything. I think part of my problem is that mentally I am so eager and have so much stuff I want to do, that I know I am capable of, but when my body won't keep up with me I feel like a failure. Looking back on it this evening I realise this simply isn't true but it got to the point where I sent an email to my manager apologising for my tiredness and the fact that I had altered my hours a bit this week to help adjust. I had been told many times that so long as I did my 16 hours a week I could pretty much arrange them to suit my needs but doing this filled me with a sense of failure and guilt! silly I realise. Anyway I had a lovely email in reply basically telling me not to be ridiculous and that they understand, and that I am a highly valued member of staff, whether I believe it or not.

I am now a little embarrassed by this and it even made me cry! It's so hard to stay in control of my own mind when I'm worn out! I need to cut myself some slack I think, it's only my 3rd week of working after 2 years so the fact that it's taking me some time to adjust is understandable. I think I still have a hard time accepting the fact that M.E does stop me doing things that I want to do. If I could I would work every day but I just can't, so need to chill out a bit and let myself settle into it. I spent many years struggling to accept the fact that I have to live a little differently because of my M.E and used to hide it as much as I could, only close friends and family knew how it effected me. I had experienced so much negativity about the illness that now, when people are understanding I don't quite believe it. Maybe after a while I may be able to do more but the only person putting pressure on me at this point is myself!

Household Tasks

I seriously can't muster the will or the energy to finish my DLA form, it's so long and I can think of better things to do. For starters my car/giant handbag is so full of rubbish I've been meaning to give it a good clean (inside) for weeks. Got as far as parking it near the house so far. Maybe tomorrow. My bed had become an island amongst a sea of mess and clothes in my bedroom, I did manage to tidy that up a bit today. Boring jobs like doing the washing and changing the bed seem to become so much effort! It takes me days to build up to it sometimes. Had a good few days rest before the next Tues-Thurs work days so hopefully I won't be so shattered this week but who can tell. Does anybody else get freezing cold when they're tired? I seem to spend much of my time in about 3 jumpers looking very padded.

Still consciously trying not to let work stress me out too much. It's o new to me now that I have to mentally slap myself for worrying so much about every little thing. I just want things to go well! I'm still at a stage where I'm just pathetically grateful to be working at all and in a job that's flexible and that I enjoy. This seems to make me a bit over eager to please and I am quite hard on myself I think. I'm starting a course of yoga again on Monday, I think gentle yoga does help, especially the relaxation side of it. It's run by my physiotherapist so I know I won't be pushed too far. well that's it for now, sorry if this post is a bit dull but I'm starting to use this blog as a diary now too.

Working Life Continues

Just finished another week at work. I am loving my job but also still finding it incredibly tiring. So much so that when the boss asked me how I was doing I (without thinking) replied "I'm knackered!" Just as well he knows not to be offended by my un-worklike language. They've been great to me so far and I couldn't ask for a more understanding work place. I still get a bit stressed out by it all but that's more to do with fighting the fatigue than the work itself.

I'm posting a video I made a while back for the museum, I'm working on a story gathering project at the moment working with local families and volunteers. Creating digital photo stories like this one. It's about an original volunteer who whilst taking down and re-building an old manor house, so that it could be preserved at the museum, found the oldest silver spoon in the country!